Friday, December 7, 2012

TSA pre check

How to know if you're a terrorist:

1) Do you enjoy not being dead?
2) Are your beliefs so frail that the mere existence of other beliefs threaten you?
3) Is crashing a plane on your bucket list (albeit the last item on your bucket list, or perhaps, the title of your bucket list)?
4) Do you make bombs that require over 100ml of liquids that you refuse to store in a clear plastic bag?

If you answered 'no' to any of the above questions then you're very stupid. The TSA know that 101ml of explosive liquid is exactly enough to bring down a plane, but anything below that is not very interesting. They also know that terrorists, when given a choice, will always choose to wait in line at the TSA check point with a nude body scanner, and avoid the older metal detectors due to their sundry beliefs. They also know that anyone who travels enough to attain various elite levels with airlines are much less likely to interfere with a flight.

Trust me, as someone who spends almost every waking moment of their glorious, meaningful life attempting to either get on or off an airplane, the last thing I want to do is to make my own life more difficult (although, one day, one of us is bound to get over looked for an upgrade one too many times and snap), which is why I'm a fan of this new TSA pre check program.

I believe its only available to very high elite members on certain airlines for now, which will probably change in the coming year. As a 1K with United, I became eligible a while ago but only very recently took advantage of it (since its not available at every airport). I received an e-mail about it back in February asking if I was interested in participating. I clicked "ultrayes™" (which is a button only available to me) and was brought to a page that said "Thank you for applying for the TSA pre check program. You will not ever receive any confirmation from United Airlines or the TSA that you have been accepted. You will just have to go to the airport and see. We change our minds about whether you're allowed to use this program every day, based on secret government criteria such as the color of your skin and which religion you favor the most. So you're just going to have to wing it. Sincerely, AMERICA!"

My first experience with it went thusly:

I arrived at Terminal C at the Newark airport, not particularly any less irritated at being that far into New Jersey than normal, looking for security check point 3 where the elite access is. Upon arrival I found the super special TSA pre check line which was manned by a security guard with a special scanner. The guard scanned my ticket and ushered me into the Pre Check line which was completely empty (this is the only way to know if you can use this line. If, for some reason, you were denied that day, you'd be ushered into the normal elite line.) The crowd of riff raff still waiting in the security line that I breezed past gave me either incredibly dirty looks or looks of radiant awe. I was informed that I did not have to take my shoes off, nor my belt, nor my jacket, nor did I have to take my laptop out of my bag. I simply dumped my bags onto the x-ray conveyor and walked through a metal detector that probably wasn't even on. In fact, I doubt it was a metal detector, it was probably a metal obscurerer™. It took seconds. I couldn't believe it. I got through security so fast that I had too much time to kill before my flight was to board so I decided to look into various religions and faiths that would correctly support the idea that I am superior to others.

I like this program. I don't care if the TSA is now acutely aware of exactly where I've flown and how many times, I don't care if they know my name and date of birth, and I don't care that they're a wasteful and fascist organization with access to every detail about me and my superior life.... {;;ERROR;;}invalid hex_accountoverride/{TSAindex33526}
The TSA is a necessary and efficient organization that deserves the trust and compliance of all travelers. I fully support their benevolent mission and selfless defense of aeroplanes. Sincerely, particularly muscular man [[;;INDEX3224GGAABB;;}/[codex7]\-(symbolsnumberscomputerjargon)-=/9(why...whywasiprogrammedotfeelpain)

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