Friday, October 12, 2012

Ohh shiney

I'd like to start off this blog post with one of my favorite lines from a song carefully written in the 1990's;

"Tag team back again, check with yo' wreck and lets begin"
- Tag Team 

When it comes to giant, hypercomplex™ machines that carry hundreds of people at 500 mph 35,000 feet in the air, your standard life-loving human might find new shineyness to be a good thing.

Lets face it, some airplanes you fly in today have been around since the 1670s and even require the same, deep religious devotion of that time to keep yourself calm.

I should note that a lot of you non-business travelers and riff raff alike probably fly JetBlue or Virgin America, which are all brand new planes. Well, I'm not impressed by your willingness to spend LESS money to achieve the SAME (or even greater) amount of luxury I can get from flying on United. America isn't about spending less, is it? United has been using the same dirty old planes for longer than most of us have been alive, and they're damn proud of it. These planes are so old and dirty that I once saw one sitting on a park bench with snot running down his nose, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes... AQUALUNG. But even I have to admit that when I boarded this 737-800 two weeks ago at Newark for a flight to Fort Lauderdale, I was inappropriately excited for the new shineyness that I was presented with upon boarding.

Look at how blue those lights are! Why is it that neon ( actually, its probably xeon or cold cathode ) lights make everything look modern and cool? When taking off and landing, the lights change color! Ooooooo ahhhhhhh (ultraimpressed™).

"But your highness of Travel, Virgin America has had lights like that for as long as..."

Shut up. SHUT UP. Look at the new plane that I flew in, not whatever YOU flew in. ME.

And you know what? United had the foresight to NOT include a single video monitor of any kind, anywhere on this new plane. You know why? Because flying is supposed to not be any fun. You are supposed to hate it because when you've landed, you feel like you have accomplished something, like you've been through some hardship that makes you come out stronger and better. Also, United certainly does not want to make it easy for themselves when building new planes either. They promised DirectTV in the back of every seat on every plane, but they decided this new plane and its passengers weren't ready. So, instead of putting TV monitors in this plane to match the rest of their upgraded fleet, they decided not to take the easy route, like a true American company (not to be confused with American airlines which is an ultraAmerican™ company having already achieved the coveted and very patriotic 'bankruptcy' status).

Well played United.



When I looked up the lyrics for Tag Team's seminal classic "Whoomp There It Is", I discovered that every single song lyrics website has slightly different lyrics for my favorite line in the song which was quoted above. Behold;

"Yeah Tag Team music comin' straight atacha
That's me DC the Brain Supreme
And my man Steve Roll'n
Tag Team back again check it top
Wreck it - let's begin


Yeah Tag Team musicIn Full EffectThat's me DC the Brain SupremeAnd my man Steve Roll'n
...Tag Team back againcheck and direct and let's begin



Yeah Tag Team musicIn Full EffectThat's me DC the Brain SupremeAnd my man Steve Roll'n...Tag Team back againCheck its records let's begin


yeah, tagteam music in real effect
thats me dc that regiens supreme
and my man steve rolland
tagteam back again
check it trek it lets begin


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