Tuesday, June 19, 2012

My Broken Life

They say that no man is an island. I think thats a stupid saying because obviously a human male cannot possibly also be a tract of land completely surrounded by water not large enough to be called a continent.

Actually, that saying is 100% correct. No man IS an island... because its impossible. So why even bother saying it?

I think it has to do with suitcases. You see, no traveling man is NOT a suitcase. Thats right, I'm a suitcase. At least, I can be defined by it. So imagine my extraordinary irritation, or extraoritation™, when this happened to my suitcase about 4 months ago:

Excellent. This occurred while I was at an airport making a connection, and it just so happens that this airport was mostly carpeted, therefor making it impossible to wheel my luggage around without a handle. I started off by attempting to simply carry my suitcase around, but after a while, that sucked worse than Jackie Chan's retirement announcement.

The airport I was in had a Brookstone, which features plastic suitcases of questionable quality for $100 around the same size as the one that broke. So I bought one, stole myself away to a dark corner in the elite lounge and moved all of my items from one suitcase to the other. I then asked the friendly folks behind the customer service counter in the elite lounge (United Club) to throw away the broken one for me and they said "no man is an island" so I punched them repeatedly in the face and neck until they starting saying "No traveling man is not a suitcase".

Fast forward to last week. I had been using this Brookstone suitcase for a while now, all the while definitely assured that it would eventually break. And sure enough, I got to the Denver airport and this happened:

Son of a garbagechrist™. This was indeed infuriating, and in a very literary sense, represented the broken feelings I was having at the time about traveling too much.

In addition to the handle coming off, the zippers had snapped off and there were lots of scuff marks along the side. Just like me. I had some time before my flight, so I figured I'd look around for a Brookstone alternative at the Denver airport to buy a new, higher quality, suitcase.

God dammit. The only suitcase store that wasn't Brookstone had closed about a week earlier. So I decided to walk into Brookstone to see if they had better suitcases. The attendant there asked me if I needed some help, and while I was telling him that I needed a new suitcase, he looked down at the crapfest that I was wheeling beside me and guffawed. I pointed out all the problems with it, indicating that I had bought it at a Brookstone not 4 months before, making a point to insult the craftsmanship of the suitcase (or was I talking about myself?.... in this instance... I was not). He then talked to his manager and told me that they'd just replace it, right then and there, for free. And so they did. I was very pleasantly surprised. I swapped my stuff to the new, identical suitcase, returned the broken one, and wheeled my lifecase™ away into the sunset... by sunset I mean the United Club West in Terminal B.


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