Friday, June 22, 2012

Delayed into oblivion

The word delay connotes such... craptasticry™. Mostly because there isn't much to do about it, even if you're a powerful, super muscular half-Jew. Whats frustrating is when delays pool together to form one large ultradelay™that causes such frustration that you just want to ball your hands into fists so hard that they become denser than a black hole, and then use them to punch the concept of delays in the face and groin.

For further clarification, here is a picture of a my fist:


My flight to San Antonio this week had to be rudely interrupted by a connection through Houston. The leg from LaGuardia was delayed, due to a crew getting in too late the night before. You see, the FAA requires that flight crew get a certain number of hours rest before resuming work after a certain number of hours of work. So, they had to delay the flight in the morning so that the crew could get an extra hour of rest. I actually got an automated phone call from United to inform me of this at 2:30am the night before my flight. So, a FAA requirement for a passenger's required number of hours of rest is clearly not as high as the crew. Thanks United, I'm glad you woke me up to tell me that I'd have a miserable day. When I got to LaGuardia, there was another flight to Houston that originally was scheduled to depart at the same time as my flight was pushed back to. Naturally, I got in line at the wrong gate and watched as the flight I was supposed to be on started to board. I asked the gate agent several times if I was in the right line and she kept saying yes. But she was very incorrect. I finally used my own brains and noted the flight number on my boarding pass matched the flight they were boarding. DAMMIT. I missed my chance to board first, and I was very angry about it. It was too early in the morning to board with riff raff. Fortunately, there was still bin space in first class for my awesome bag - I was lucky.

And I did. My first leg got in 10 minutes before my next flight was to depart. Fortunately I was in the front of the plane so I was able to deplane (weirdest word ever) quickly. What was really just fangreatastic™ was the fact that the gate we pulled into and the gate my next flight was leaving out of were at, literally, the opposite ends of the airport. This is not an exaggeration. Opposite ends. Here is a picture:

The green arrow represents a distance of what I estimated to be 14 times the distance from the Earth to the moon. I sprinted as much as I could, dropping to a fast walk after the first 4 minutes due to ultrafatigue™(a level of fatigue only I may experience).

Needles to say I made it. I boarded the plane, drenched it sweat, only to find that the bin space in first class was full! And I was in the first row, which meant no space for my laptop case under a theoretical seat in front of me. So I angrily shoved other people's inferior affairs out of my way and jammed my bag in above my seat and sat down with a look of anger and hatred in my eye (that way no one would bother me for shoving their luggage away). I was sweaty, very large and muscular, and had a mean scowl about my visage... no one messed with me.

Now its Friday and it is time for me to fly home. Naturally, my flight from San Antonio to Houston was delayed, then delayed again, then delayed a third time. The agent in the elite lounge was very helpful in booking me onto an alternative flight, and since I was going to miss my connection, booking me on an alternative flight for my leg from Houston to LGA. So, my first alternative flight then got delayed. But I did make it to Houston. Now, my second alternative flight has been delayed.

I am assuming that I will eventually make it home to New York if the great travel gods will allow it. I can't help but be reminded of Nixon going to China. Mostly because I actually just saw him get in line to board a flight to China. "Hey, aren't you former president Richard Nixon"? I asked him.
"Where are you going Nixon"?



"Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead"? I asked. He just put his pointer finger up to his lips and said "Shhhhhh" and then spun around to face backwards, and began moonwalking down the jetway.


1 comment:

  1. Aaron-- sorry for your troubles but this made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!