Friday, April 6, 2012

1k in the mail

I have always loved getting stuff in the mail, ever since I was a little kid. I have fond ultramemories™ of coming home after school, running to the mail box, digging deep in side and pulling out all of the glorious mail addressed to my mom, praying to the lord Godjesus™ that there was something with my name on it. Usually there wasn't, so I embarked on a ridiculously stupid campaign to get more mail. I signed up online to various organizations as a business, feigned interest in miscellaneous and sundry credit card offers, and frequently returned spam mail with my information on it so I would receive more.

What the ass was wrong with me? More like... what the ass IS STILL WRONG WITH ME. I have to admit it, its really satisfying today, as a grown man of superior stature, to get a bunch of mail. So I was certainly happy to receive this the other day (more like, the other month):

United Airlines Premier 1k card, drink coupons, and luggage tags

This was my United Premiere 1k kit. I received this for flying over 100,000 miles last year. Just to reiterate, this is the highest elite status you can get on United (other than Global Services which isn't technically an elite status, its more like an invitation-only concierge service). So, for flying one hundred thousand miles, and probably spending over $35,000 on this airlines... this is all I get? A couple of luggage tags, some drink coupons (which are worthless anyway since I spend most of my time in first class where drinks are free), and a list of telephone numbers!? Yes, I am complaining about being in first class too much, and yes, I am complaining about drink coupons... not that they exist, but that this is all there is. Sure, I get to board literally before everyone else, my own dedicated help desk, access to elite security lines, bonus mileage, upgrade confirmation 72 hours ahead of everyone else, discounts on United Club membership, a disturbing familiarity with airports, delivery of several ultraviruses™ circulated through pressurized cabins, and a pilots license... but that all becomes meaningless to me if I don't get something nicer in the mail in recognition of my status. At this point in our culture, mail is a luxury. You don't need it to transmit information to people, or even to delivery products or services anymore. Use the post-office as a gesture to show your highest tier elite members that you're willing to spend a little to make them feel more welcome and awesome.
"But Aaron", you say in an incredibly poor and destitute voice. "They did send you something in the mail. Sure, it was the size of a large envelope, but it contained non-paper related items, kind of like little presents"!

Shut up.... lousy ephemeral, rhetorical literary voicedevice™.

1 comment:

  1. Presents are fun until you open them. Then, the unknown becomes known and it is just stuff. So next time, leave the United packet untouched in your mailbox for at least 20 years.