Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Sovereign nation of Miami Beach

What the hell is wrong with me? What red-blooded American man of such superior physical stature as myself would actually dislike Miami Beach? The beaches, sunshine, lively atmosphere, and girls in bikinis are the fundamental building units of this geographic location. Ocean drive for half a mile up the coast is actually just one long bar. Bikini tops are optional on the beach. The water is warm and filled with exciting sharks and boats. The sun is unrelenting and warm. Why then, do I dislike going there so much?

Oh, I know why, its because THIS is what qualifies for a 3 and a half star hotel:

What the hell is this? A living room? Sure, just put a nasty cold tile floor, a couch from 1976, a random wooden cube and a 9" flat panel TV together in a blender and voila... a living room. No table, no desk, no place to put a coffee maker, no where to conduct floor-related business such as; lying down and being comfortable. Every building in Miami Beach is comprised of the same crumbly material cultivated in the 1940's by space aliens from the shittiest planet they could find. Everything looks like its been neglected and that, at any moment, it will all be utterly destroyed under its own stupid weight.

The whole place feels like a different, much poorer country, like Cuba or Arkansas. But, in that same way, its exceptionally charming, or exceptocharm™!

My hotel - The Savoy

Ocean Drive at whenever the opposite of day is

Now, if you're a single guy, this is the place to go. Just about every member of our species lacking a Y chromosome is incredibly gorgeous and enjoys showing it. There is a bar and a restaurant every 15 feet serving some truly exceptional food and drink. And the beach... the beach is endless. It literally has no end, scientists have been trying to find it for almost 20 minutes now. (They'll find it eventually. Keep going scientists! We're counting you.) But be prepared for some competition. Everybody there, from both sexes, are super models. Its where super models go to admire beautiful people actually. So make sure you've either got incredible game, or the body of a god if you plan on making special friends (fortunately, I posses both in ultraspades™ which is better than regular spades... so... yeah.... deal with that). 

But therein lies the problem. I'm not single and don't want to be. I'm very happily married. So I have little interest in coming back from important business meetings all day to South Beach to go out on the town and drink, flirt, and party until the early morning. I just can't enjoy it, no matter how hard I try. So I like to go back to my hotel room and sleep, especially since I always have to take 6am flights out of Newark to get there. So my impression of South Beach relies heavily on the accommodations and in-room luxuries, of which there are none. Nobody who isn't absurdly stupid enjoys waking up in the morning to anything but a carpeted floor. Tile is wholly inappropriate in any room except a bathroom.

So my advice, don't go there unless you are going to meet the following criteria:

1) You're single and feeling special
2) You're with a group of your friends, who are also single
3) You're incredibly old and can't really figure out where you are when you get places so nothing really matters
4) You're with your significant other on some kind of vacation-related vacation


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