Monday, March 12, 2012

Monday Morning Madness

Monday - the dumbest day of the week since Wednesday, even worse than Sunday night. Its the day that all hope is lost, its the only day of the week you'd be happy to die on, and its the longest possible time until Saturday (which is the best day EVER). Don't believe me? Look where it lands on Edgar Allan Poe's list of sorrows and sadness:

1) Lenore
2) Ravens
3) Pendulums
4) Lenore's ghost
5) Ghost ravens
6) Pendulums that turn you into a ghost
7) Mondays

As an incredibly important business man, you'd expect that I would have more respect for Mondays, especially when it comes to flying. But you'd be wrong - in fact, you ARE wrong, were wrong, will be wrong, and always have been isn't always will has is WRONG AS HELL.

All frequent travelers avoid Monday morning travel because it's the busiest business travel day of the year... I mean week. The problem is not just the crowds, but that the crowds are filled with your equivalents, meaning they all want and have the same needs, desires, and elite statuses as you!  So imagine my ULTRADELIGHT™ when I discovered that I had to A) Go BACK to South Beach and B) fly there on a monday morning.... out of Newark!!

Thats more bad news per syllable than has ever been previously considered by science. Stephan Hawking came over to my house to hand me an award of sorrow and misery but also science, which is just a statue of a fist that Stephan uses to punch you in the face.

But the absolutely wonderful thing about science is that its ever-evolving. I woke up this morning to get in my limo to go to the airport thinking I was going to spend the next two hours trying to get to my gate, but what actually happened was totally unexpected. First, there was no traffic into Manhattan and then into New Jersey. What? At 8am on a Monday? Then, when I got to the airport, I fully expected to be stuck in Newark's world famous long security lines (even the elite lines are long). But I was greeted by a completely empty elite line.... COMPLETELY EMPTY or COMPLEMPTY™! I asked the TSA agent checking my ID where everyone was? He smiled and made a joke that I literally could not understand. Its not that I didn't get the joke, its just that the words that came out of his mouth made no sense when put into a sentence. I could tell from his inflection and tone that he was making a joke, and when he got to what I assumed was the punch line, I laughed hysterically. Why not? Its a beautiful day so far. I'm sitting here in the elite lounge, enjoying coffee and other delicious edibles, waiting to board my first class flight to Florida - I couldn't ask for a better travel experience.

But where did everyone go? Is there a Monday morning party that I'm not invited to? Enjoy.

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