Monday, March 19, 2012

Majestic my ass

Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Its a psychological state of being wherein the host of the affected mind is INSANE. I have also heard it described as someone who does the same thing over and over again expecting different results each time. But that's wrong and also stupid. Every time I go to South Beach and stay in one of their boutique hotels on Ocean drive I expect that at least one of them to not be a dingy, featureless .05 star hotel. So far, that hasn't been the case, but does that make me insane????............. Seriously, does it? I'm curious, I've asked some scientists but they keep insisting that they're a figment of my incredible imagination, or INCREDIMATION™.

Last week, I was lucky enough to be in South Beach during Spring Break. A time when thuggish high school kids run around the streets in droves, making tasteful comments and keeping their voice down. My favorite. I was also lucky enough to stay at the Majestic hotel... which looked like this:

The dinge-meter® I keep with me registered a whopping 718 out of a possible of 600, which means that the dinginess was literally off the scale. The blanket had stains on it that were actually labeled and categorized by disease category. I've never been so disgusted by a hotel room. The carpet was nasty, the corners were filled with filth, and the hotel literally had no lobby. It was just a restaurant with a little cubby in the back corner were you check in. No pool, gym, beach access, nor business center. Nothing. Not even cleanliness. The place was cheap, which is why all the spring breakers chose to stay there as well. I had trouble sleeping one night when the head-board banging sex occurring one thin piece of dry wall away wouldn't stop. (Man, people make the weirdest noises when they're having sex, I'm married so I wouldn't know). The level of relief I felt when it was finally time to leave registered an amazing 6 billion on a scale of 1 to 32 on my relief-meter® which I also carry around with me.

If you're headed to South Beach, do stay away from this hotel, unless you're incredibly poor, in which case, enjoy.

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