Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Won Kay

Have you ever been surprised at how incredibly awesome you are? Have you ever been promoted at work so often that you just can't believe it? You know, going from private to captain in two years? Mail clerk to CEO in three years? 26 years old to 30 years old in 4 years??!?! I assume this is all very unfamiliar to you because of the sheer ridiculousness of my hypothetical. Or is it? [probably].

Well, imagine my surprise when I removed a calculator from my drawer and discovered that you can right "hello" upside using numerals! Seriously! Just type in 01134, flip that incredibly futuristic device upside down and BEHOLD the surprising result. I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

Well, I was then emboldened by my mathematically ingenious discovery to do some additional calculations of my own regarding airline miles, and what my status might be in 2012. As you know, I started my elite climb as a Premier member with United (which will now be referred to as Premiere silver by the new United) by obtaining 25 thousand butt-in-seat miles. Man did I think I was cool. [and I actually was VERY cool]. The next year, I was utterly surprised to find that I achieved Premiere Executive (now heretoeverafterfutureexplosion referred to as Premiere Gold) by flying 50 thousand miles.

I was living it up as a Premiere Exec. Shaking and grooving down the premiere security lines and boarding priority lanes. Getting upgrades every which way. Being treated like a travel king. But always in awe of the gods who had 1K status. 1K, at the time, was the only elite status higher than Premiere Executive, and man did they have it good. They were jammed into economy seats SLIGHTLY less often than me, they had their own special website which I assume was only SLIGHTLY crappier than United.com's normal website, but most importantly, they got to board first with the first class cabin.

Well I never thought I'd achieve 1K status. I mean, you have to fly 100,000 miles in a year. That seemed ridiculous as I had only flown 50,000 the year before this year.

But about 2 months ago I blew right by the 75k mark (which will be called Premiere Platinum in the new United system for 2012), which only netted me two regional upgrade certificates. I still felt pretty good about that, knowing that the next year I would be even higher up the elite chain than my previous status.

But shiver me timbers, using my calcula-matrix device, I have discovered that as of December 31st (the cut-off for elite status for 2012) I will have flown 101,567 miles.

I'll let that sink into your brains.

Still letting it sink in....

Next year, you may be reading posts written not from the shitty lowlands, but from Mt Olympus! I may be mingling with the travel gods, sipping the fine Sizzurp of the pantheon, discussing ultrabusiness™ with high rollers in first class (more often than before), speaking with American customer service agents, suffering from less systemic and probably dangerous numbness caused by terrible seating, drinking more free alcohol which increases healthiness, eating more steak prepared on an airplane, and last but not least, I will always be boarding first.

Is it worth it? I think it will be despite the fact that every single frequent flyer I talk to says its almost 100% completely not.

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