Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Platinum is the new gold

Generic items are ok on their own. But you know whats better than regular stuff? Rare metallic versions of stuff. When you're at the store and you see Men in Black 2 in both regular edition and Gold edition, which one are you going to buy? Actually... don't answer that rhetorical question, because its obvious anyone in their right (or even left) mind would answer "neither.... idiot".

United airlines has always tiered their elite levels as such:

1) Global Services
2) 1K
3) Premiere Executive
4) Premiere
5) General Member
6) Idiot
7) Poor person
8) Microorganism
9) Strand of hair
10) Some tenth thing that is funny

Continental Airlines has always tiered their elite levels as such:

1) Platinum
2) Gold
4) Silver
5) Wood

What is interesting is that these elite levels are not equal. Here, is the combined order:

1) Global Services
2) 1K
3) Platinum (acheived after flying 75 thousand miles)
4) Premiere Executive/Gold (flying 50 thousand miles)
3) Silver/Premiere (flying 25 thousand miles)
4) General Member (signing up online)
5) Guy on street who isn't even in the airplane, but is walking around thinking about awesome things like Higgs Fields, Dark Energy, and the color green

As you know, United and Continental are combining into one hilariously enormous airline. As a result, there is some elite level discrepancies that will have to be solved. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. One of the irritating parts of the old United Mileage Plus program was that there was a giant gap between 50 thousand mile flyers and 100 thousand mile flyers.

Well, not anymore. I received an e-mail from United in September stating:

Beginning in 2012, MileagePlus will adopt new status-level names and terms for qualifying miles and segments. The MileagePlus status levels will be:

Premier 1K® :100,000 Premier qualifying miles (PQM) or 120 Premier qualifying segments (PQS)
Premier Platinum :75,000 PQM or 90 PQS
Premier Gold :50,000 PQM or 60 PQS
Premier Silver :25,000 PQM or 30 PQS

So the secret is out. Instead of being some kind of premiere who is further qualified as an executive, I will be a platinum (or maybe even a 1K!) guy, member, person, elite flyer, awesomeman™, muscle-guy, tall muscle man guy member... yeah.... thats it..... platinum tall muscle guy man member.................................™

Here are some other examples of how normal items can become more intriguing by adding a metallic or exciting qualifer. (from my old comedy blog, How to become a trillionaire).

One of the best money making schemes out there is a scheme I like to call the 'edition' scheme.

I will teach it to you so that you can partake in this marketing ploy to net you an extra 35 thousand on the dollar.

All you have to do is release your product and package it as a special, gold, platinum, silver, uranium, or magic edition! DVD distribution companies do it all the time. Haven't you ever seen this?

Look at that red band at the top. It says full screen special edition. This is the worst possible release of this DVD, or any DVD. Only communists enjoy full screen DVDs. The company that made this packaging is playing you like a fool. But you can do it to. You see, most people in the middle of the country don't know the difference between wide screen and full screen. In fact, they probably think full screen movies are better because it fills up the whole television.

The truth is that full screen movies are, like I said, the worst possible version of that movie ever conceived. Yet here we are with a "special full screen edition" of this movie. 90 million people probably purchased this DVD thinking they were getting a special version of the movie. Well... they WERE getting a special version of the movie, the SUCK version.

I am suggesting to you, dear reader, that you apply the same logic to your shitty products. Here are some examples.

This was a telephone. Now it is the "Gold Edition" telephone. Now, you can dial "911" in less than 5 minutes. You charge 30 dollars more per unit.

This was a banana. It is now, a banana "platinum edition". There is actually extra traces of the element platinum in this banana. Our scientists have confirmed that eating platinum increases your value and has no fully understood effects on your health.

This was a bar of silver. It is now, a bar of silver "Gold Edition". This needs no explanation. Nope. No explanation at all.

This was a coffee mug. It is now a coffee mug "explosion edition". That means that after 5 minutes, it will explode. Highly purchasable. Surprisingly safe. Our scientists say it would be far more dangerous for you to drink 8 quadrillion cups of coffee per week, and everybody knows that that is far less than what your average American office worker consumes. I would cite a source for that highly true statistic but I think you should learn to trust anything and everything a trillionaire tells you. Why? Because what I am supplying you with is actually better than truth, I'm supplying you with money-backed veracity "soooooo true" edition truth.

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