Thursday, November 17, 2011

I kill morning people

Did you know that the continuum of spacetime occurs at all physical points between 2am and 8am? I had no idea reality existing at that time. I had always thought that clocks just skipped from 2am to 8am instantaneously, and that is why I always feel horribly tired when I wake up. I suppose my morning irritation and distaste for all things AM just comes from me having mental problems. Who knew? (It turns out, almost everyone).

I had, for complex business reasons, to take a 6:15am flight out of Newark the other week. You all know well how much Newark sucks for the classy gentry living in Queens (or anywhere in NYC for that matter). So it probably doesn't require much of a stretch of your imagination to believe that I was miserable long before I even got on the flight. What I had forgotten over the years was how much waking up at 3:30am makes you want to light yourself on fire before jumping into a pit of ultraspikes™.

After dragging my enormous, muscular body, out of bed at that ungodly hour, I hopped into a waiting limousine to take me to Newark. The drive was quiet. There wasn't very many people on the road, so it only took an hour to get to Newark! The rest of the morning is a bit of a blur. I'm sure I slept-walked through the elite security line to my gate, and somehow boarded my plane. I woke up and found myself in first class! I honestly cannot remember how I got into first class. I don't know if I was handed the upgrade at the gate, when I checked in, or days before I left. My ultrasleepyness™ wiped away any trace of the memory engrams relating to it.

What I do remember was sort of suddenly coming to in my seat. The reason being that I found it increasingly difficult to sleep as all the old business men in first class started to snore with INCREDIBLY different sounds and patterns. One man was letting out a tremendous honking noise every 45 seconds or so. Another was breathing in deeply...constantly...never seeming to actually breath out. Another man was hurrumphing loudly in his sleep, probably angry at all those poor people on welfare 'stealing' his 'hard-earned' money.

It was the loudest first class cabin I've ever been in. It was 100% men, and the average age of the passengers in the cabin (removing myself from the equation) was probably around 267. You put that many rich, old, white men in an airplane cabin at 6 in the morning in New Jersey and you're going to get serious competition to Snorefest2011 (which is a real thing I just invented and exists according to scientists... whom I also invented).

I had no idea the human body could create such strange and different noises. Some noises were high pitched cries, others were mid range groans, some were short bursts, others long releases, some could be described as irritating, others as extremely irritating... it was a fascinating study in the incredibly NOT elusive species of oldwhitemanabilus americanus.

What did I learn? Never ever ever take an early flight. Every time I do it I tell myself ahead of time that its not going to be that bad. But I'm always wrong. Its horrible! Every aspect of it. The night before you're worried you're going to miss your flight, you don't actually sleep no matter what time you go to bed, when that alarm goes off at 3:30am you actually would seriously consider writing a check for $100,000,000 to just not get up, you have a piercing headache the entire time you're trying to figure out how to get to the airport, you fall asleep standing up while waiting in line for security, everything you try and eat makes you sick to your stomach, and then you can't sleep once you're on the airplane because airplanes are incredibly uncomfortable and the old white people you share a cabin with all choose to utter a completely different sound at different rates and cadences just to keep things interesting. DON'T DO IT.


1 comment:

  1. BottleNed Sez:

    Where's the part where you kill the morning people. More death - GO