Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Getting upgraded can be bad!

Everyone defines good differently. For example, I define good as; without crappulance™, excellent, ultrafantasticgreat™, $, cheeseburgers.

Others have screwed up the definition. Some people think that cucumbers, Avatar, Blackberries, country music, and Robin are good things. But they're wrong, and also very stupid.

Well Hertz has an interesting idea of what is good and what isn't. As a Hertz Five Star Gold member, I am entitled to car upgrades all the time. An upgrade usually means going from a car, to a moregood™ car. Its an UP grade. But sometimes, what is a good car for you, may not be what Hertz thinks is a good car for you.

Take my trip to Los Angeles over the summer for example. Hertz upgraded me to a smaller car. A Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder, which is a very small convertible. Fortunately, I had no luggage and had no need to carry any large crates or boxes around. But what if I did? Hertz ostensibly UP graded me to a SMALLER car. UP and SMALLER aren't always synonymous. Not that I think bigger cars are better than smaller cars. On the contrary, I think big SUVs and the like are for fools. Ultrafools™. But sometimes, when I rent a car, I need it to be big so I can carry many passengers, or large boxes, or suitcases full of gold (I have so much gold I need to carry).

Well, I think Hertz got the message because when I flew to Denver last month, I reserved a small car and received this:

This image is to scale. The Ford Excursion is the biggest motorized horseless carriage I've ever driven that wasn't a RV. Behold its mammoth size. It got an environmentally friendly 5 miles to the gallon, and had the same acceleration as a nineteenth century carousel.

What if I NEEDED a smaller car? What if I was carrying around a bunch of anti-mass or black holes, and I needed a smaller space to put the negative physics in? What if I wanted to drive really fast and not scare Godzilla away? What if I was unsure of parallel parking between the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building?

Be careful what you wish for when you're a Hertz Five Star Gold member friends.


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