We live in an incredibly digitronic™ age. So much digital electronic numbers and concepts are constantly flying around our physical existence, making everything so much more awesome. Since I was born with an incredible amount of awesomeness, I spent my early childhood trying to get into the digital world to escape the boring mundanity of telephones and analogue radio frequency signals. Believe it or not, I convinced my mom to buy me what was then called a MO-DEM. A modem MOdulated and DEModulated telephone signals across the coper infrastructure, using sophisticated technology allowing literally HUNDREDS of middle class Americans to look up porn for free. Why, the first pornographic image I ever saw was on my computer screen. I found it on the interwebspace using AOL's brand new World Wide Web browser (which to this day I still don't fully understand) in 1992.
I had an e-mail address before anyone knew what e-mail was. And since I was an incredibly important businesschild™, I had a serious use for it. Incredibly huge number of my friends and family did not have access to the interspace, which meant that they did not have e-mail. Ever since then, more and more humans have acquired e-mail addresses, and every day since then my mail box fills up just a little bit more than the day before. But there are certain e-mails that, to this day, still stand out and are incredibly welcome and deserving:
What? Another upgrade? Jesus S. Garbagechrist™!
I honestly don't know why this kept happening. All I know is, for a period of about two months, my premier executive status with United really did me well. I didn't fly in economy once during those two months of ultraglory™, and I even started to find flaws in first class that were bugging me. I can't believe I was ready to start complaining about how the seats were still uncomfortable, the boarding process still a stressful event, and the service still dreadful. I've forgotten my roots! I've forgotten where I come from. I must always remember that I used to be the only kid I knew with an e-mail address, and that I used to fly economy every time. Ultraremembering™ (which is a type of remembering only I can do that is superior to normal remembering) where I came from is important. It will, at the very least, help me enjoy the comforts of first class. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh first class.