Thursday, August 18, 2011

First time buyer

Remember the first time you saved up your allowance in a little metal safe, locked in your downstairs stove because the door to the stove had two awesome handles and felt like a bank vault? And remember how it all disappeared? That is because I stole it.

I used it to actually pay for a first class ticket for my wife and I. We were going on vacation and thought that since we're incredibly fancy, deserving people, we should be seated in the good seats.

But I also cheated a little bit. You see, I had, left over from a United airlines debacle 6 months ago, $600 in United money, which is like regular money, but less interesting. So, for one way, I was able to get two first class tickets to San Francisco from New York City for $800. That amount includes the $600 off AND was only one way. So you see, them seats be expensive.

In order to keep the cost low, we had to fly out of HPN. Have you ever heard of HPN? No, you haven't. You know why? Because its a small airport in Westchester county. The only way to get there? Probably a plane.

Fortunately, my car broke down while I was in New Hampshire visiting the in laws, and was beyond repair. So I rented a car from Hertz, one way, and drove straight to the airport. Its an easy drive at 8:30am but make sure you fill up when you can because there is no gas station anywhere near the airport. We drove around furiously and blindly looking for one so that I didn't get charged the $780.00 per gallon that Hertz charges you. Remember, this was on my dime, not my company's. So I lifted it off my dime and put it on a gold bullion medallion that I had around my neck, indicating my royal birth, which can sustain more weight.

Since my wife and I were traveling together, we just packed one giant suitcase and decided to check it. I normally never ever check a bag, but this time I knew that we had a short jumper plane flight to IAD from HPN, and we would never be able to fit any suitcase as carryon. So since we would have to check a bag anyway, I decided it would be better to just go all out.

Because we were traveling for two weeks, and didn't have a chance to do the laundry before hand (so we decided to bring it with us and do it at mom's house), our bag weighed 57 lbs. Before we left, I went onto the United Airlines website and looked up bag weight limitations.

For normal riff raff, 50lbs is the limit... for Premiere Executives.. its a whopping 70lbs. Why they let elites have heavier bags, I cannot say. (I know there is a joke in there somewhere, but I have to leave at least SOME stuff up to the imagination). But when the gate agent at the check in counter told me my bag was 7 lbs over weight, I told him that he was incorrect. GOD its satisfying to tell THEM what their regulations state. Once he checked it out, he said "oh, you're right, have a nice flight". And you want to know the ultimate irony? Even first class passengers have a bag weight limit of 50lbs... unbelievable. But the good part about either being elite or having a First Class ticket is that you don't have to pay to check your bags.

So as I mentioned, our first flight was a little jumper plane to Washington, which had no first class (but they did have an exit row, and you bet your butt we were in it). Once we got to Washington, the fun began. We had about 10 minutes to get to our connecting flight due to delays, and IAD decided to put our next flight no the opposite end of their airport. We ran, and ran, and shoved, and kicked, and budged, and jumped, and flew, and sought out orphans and punched them, and finally made it to our gate with about 5 minutes to spare. Once boarding began we boarded the plane and took our seats... or should I say thrones, in the crappy half-baked First Class cabin. I can't believe I paid $800 for these seats (and that was with a $600 discount). Sure, they served us a wonderful meal, and we got drunk on the bottomless sangria, but I mean, come on... thats the equivalent of a cheap date to a crappy restaurant in Cancun or something. Sure, we were being transported 30,000 feet in the air at 500mph to another city using the marvels of 1970's engineering and the concept of flight.... but $400 per person? Come on. COME ON I SAY!

I've become so jaded that first class doesn't even appeal to me anymore. You could say I am starting to get sick of flying, but you'd be ULTRAWRONG™! I love flying... oh man..... flying.... flying is awesome.... you just go and fly....... YES..... flying.


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