Tuesday, June 14, 2011

YES! Wait.... DAMN!

There is NOTHING better than that glorious, warm, comfortable, beautiful feeling you get when you've been upgraded to first class. It actually increases happiness by a factor of 6, scientists have proven this in a court of science.

Let me start at the beginning. From a quantum singularity came a mass explosion of hydrogen with trace amounts of helium, followed by the incorporation of United Airlines, then the gate assignment for my flight from LGA to Denver. One thing that has really worked well for me at LaGuardia is the security lines. They always have an elite line but I rarely have to use it. The lines are never more than 3 or 4 people long. So I strolled through security like it was NO THING BUT A CHICKEN'S POSTERIOR RELATED SYMMETRICAL OUTCROPPING. I sat at my gate, calm and collected, ready for a 4 hour flight to Denver. I had some awesome movies on my laptop ready for extreme viewing (I don't just view things regular style, I always view things with a level of comphrension and awareness that can only be described as 'extreme'). I was set for this flight. The main reason being that I picked the best exit row seat in the plane. The legroom is boundless in the seat I picked. So it was impossible for me to have a bad flight. No worries, no cares.

So I was already happy when the gate agent announced that there were two possibilities for upgrades, and that I was one of them. That is when I got the feeling I described earlier. So warm, so delicious, so.... happy. I felt like a new man. Although the gate agent said there was only a possibility, I couldn't help but just assume that I was going to be upgraded. In preparation for my upgrade, I made sure I was at the front of the boarding line, albeit in the standard lane (unlike ALL other airlines, United's priority line is reserved for only first class, business class, 1K members and Global Services... not Star Gold), so that I was ready to be handed my upgrade AND board with the rest of first class. The happy feeling started to sink when it got closer and closer to boarding and she hadn't announced my name yet. In fact, it wasn't until 10 seconds before they boarded that the woman at the counter asked for me by name. I happened to be standing right next to her when she announced it, at the front of the line, and I (too loudly) replied that I was "right here". That drew the attention of the entire airport. In order to get handed the first class boarding pass, I had to leave my spot in line, and cross into the front of the red carpet lane. I did this, and immediately boarded directly from there. Kind of a dick move actually. I cut in front of the entire first class group of passengers..... ULTRA-OH-WELL™!

So, my happiness was increased by a factor of 5 or 6. I measured it with my happymeter™ which only I know how to use.

But of course, I was given the first row in first class, which means bulkhead.... which means..... my legroom was reduced to zero. Here is a picture of my hilarious giant feet being smashed up against the bulkhead.



Only I would be upgraded to first class FROM an exit row seat to the crappiest first class seat on the plane.

Whatever... you can't beat first class. The food, the service, the fact that I got off the plane first. I was so FIRST off the plane that when I reached the end of the jetway, I found that they hadn't even opened the door yet. I felt like an explorer entering an Egyptian pyramid for the first time, finding a door, and being worried about the security implications of opening it.

Its all worth it in the end, even if my feet were jammed a bit. The personal space you get from the width of the seat makes up for it I believe.

There really is only one thing that makes you even happier than an upgrade at the gate. It happened to me on the way back and I'll share it with you soon.

Enjoy.

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