Monday, June 13, 2011

American ground

I must apologize for taking so long to write another post. I have been traveling. Seeing as how this provides additional fodder for this blog, I do not actually feel guilty. I retract my earlier apology, and replace it with the statement "CONTINUE TO ENJOY MY GLORY".

What is interesting about most Canadian airports is that they have a separate area specifically designated for American flights. This area actually has American Border Patrol gaurds manning passport control and customs. What is great about this is that you can get all that crap out of the way BEFORE you get on the flight, as opposed to dealing with it once you arrive in the foreign country. This is especially useful if you have connecting flights in the United States. Everyone knows that the length of time it takes to get through passport control and customs varies anywhere from 20 minutes to 390 million years. Since you can ever know how long it is going to take, its best to get it over with before you fly.

I think we can all agree that America is the best country because we correctly place moneydollars™ at the top of all priority lists. Even priority lists that it doesn't even make sense for money to be on... like office supply lists and building material inventories. So why THE HELL was the priority line closed at security? I have never seen this before. They had the line... it was just closed. Here is a list of reasons, ordered by importance, why we elites need our own elite security line:

1) Money
2) We are more important than everyone else, so if we miss our flight because the line is too long, its worse than if you miss it.
3) We don't need to be in line with stupid families who have too many children and think that taking 45 minutes to get all their crap onto the xray machine is par for the course.
4) Our lines are much shorter, much much shorter, because WE ARE BETTER AT BEING IN LINE FOR SECURITY THAN YOU. Why should we be punished for your inexperience?

So I waited in line with the riff raff. Eventually I made it through and finally got to the gate with about 5 minutes to spare. Boarded the plane first, because Air Canada does it right by allowing Star Alliance Gold members to board in the priority boarding lane ahead of everyone else, squeezed into the tiny seat, and proceeded to read my excellent book all the way back to NYC.

So, to reiterate, here is some relevant advice I have to give to you that will help you get through international flying a lot faster, in order of importance:

2) Never ever check a bag if you can help it, you'd be surprised what you can fit on a plane, and besides, if you get on the plane and it doesn't fit, they won't charge you to check it at that point.
3) Give yourself an hour more than you think you need
4) Don't screw around with liquids, you don't need anything more than deodorant and toothpaste. If you're a woman, and you think you need all those damn lotions, potions, and creams... you're wrong, throw them away. All hotels have their own lotions and potions and creams that you can use, all the while not wasting yours at home... its win win. WIN WIN I TELL YOU!
5) If you have an American passport issued in the last 5 years, it has a special electronic chip inside of it. When you are at passport control in the U.S., look for special shorter lines that are meant for people holding these passports only.


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