Sunday, April 17, 2011

Its never wet

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I've been ULTRA-BUSY™ not traveling. That is right, the travel king took a break from traveling. It was weird. There was no riff raff for me to turn my nose up to whilst walking past them in the red carpet lane, no fat guys for me to want to stab sitting next to me, no orphans to punch in the face in the name of capitalism, and no surge of dopamine or norepinephrine that you get when you're upgraded to first class.

But I'm back.

Last week I flew to Las Vegas for an annual convention. One of the benefits of the new merger with Continental is that there are now direct flights from the New York area on Star Alliance carriers to Las Vegas. Virgin America was the only alternative that I used to fly, and they don't have an elite program so they can go straight to hell.

I had a continental flight, PACKED with other elites. GOD I really hate that. You work so hard to be special... just like everyone else. But the one thing that I like about continental is that Star Gold gets to board immediately after first class, in a special lane. On United, only 1Ks and global services get to do that.

So after the dicks in first class boarded, I elbowed my way to the front and got on first. I had a sweet seat in an exit row, and since I was first on, no problems with throwing my excellent bag up above. The poor non-elite saps always get screwed when there isn't any space left for their inferior belongings.

The flight took off no problem, but while we were in the air we hit some of the worst head winds I've ever heard of in my life. A flight that was normally about 5 hours turned into a 6 and half hour marathon of farting and general discomfort. It just doesn't seem to matter how much space I have in front of me, those damned seats are designed for people whose lower backs are actually on their necks, and whose legs grow straight out of their stomachs. FREAKS.

My trusty MacBook air got me through almost 3 full movies before we landed. I did have to plug it in at one point since it wasn't fully charged when I got on the plane. Remember my last post about the outlets? This had the same problem, only this time, instead of my wife sitting in the middle seat, it was some random tube-maker™ who probably didn't enjoy my feeling around his testicles for the plug. After 20 minutes if blindly groping under the seats, I decided I needed to take a picture with my phone so I could get some bearings. Precious bearings.

WHY DO THEY PUT THEM DOWN THERE?! How difficult would it be to just bring them up to the arm rests or between the seats where you can see them from where you are sitting. Instead, they are, like, underneath the airplane in a quantum dimension that only exists when you happen to be thinking about upside down bicycles.

Eventually landed safe in the dry, high desert that is Las Vegas where my luck really turned south. But then north. Then... for about 20 minutes, North North East for some reason...

More on these impossible things in the next post!

1 comment:

  1. OMG this is very funny! You're hillarious...

    Your #2 bro