Wednesday, April 20, 2011

6 a one

The Las Vegas airport's security line is enormous... except for us elites. We skip the massive Disneyland angerfest™ at each terminal because we're more special than you. There is a sign that says "first class this-a-way, idiots and the poor that-a-way". The sign is a bit confusing. Since I wasn't in first class I asked the gentlemen guarding the entrance to the special line if I could use it and he said I could because of the Elite Access logo on my boarding pass. Go Continental!

In the terminal I noticed this:


An Oxygen bar. Man, I haven't seen one of these since the 70's when I was an ultrafetus™.

I sat quietly on the flight back, contemplating the hilarious and crazy week I had had, missing the new friends I had made, not missing cigarette smoke being constantly blown in my face, missing the millions of dollars I had lost at the roulette wheel... MILLIONS.

We were delayed for a reason that I can't exactly remember. Probably a couple of the orphans in storage below decks accidentally got caught in the engines. Idiots. FIND BETTER EDUCATION.

I had decided ahead of time that I wasn't going to take a cab back to Queens from Newark because of the cost and the massive amount of traffic I was bound to hit on a Friday night. This meant I was going to take the train.

Stupid move. First of all, there are 18 signs for the AirTrain at Newark... all pointing in different directions. I bet you didn't even know that there are 18 different directions in Newtonian physics. WELL THERE ARE: Up, down, left, right, forward, backward, sideways, idiotways™, updown™, North, the number 5, zenith, in, out, through, garbage, reverse, and ultra-up™.

After an hour and a half I finally found the AirTrain and took it to the NJ transit station where I waited FOREVER for a train back to New York City. I recall that at one point the board said a train was coming in 5 minutes, then it said it was 5 minutes late, then it said it was 40 minutes late, then it said it was 5 minutes late... having just joined Twitter I decided to tweet "NJtransit fail" (you can see the twit I am referring to the on right of this page). I then noticed that someone called 'NJTransitCEO' answered "stay off the track then". Awesome. That makes sense. Don't take NJTransit because otherwise you'll make it fail.

I did finally make it home, hours later. Although taking the train to and from EWR is cheap as hell, its also painful and irritating.

In conclusion; the line labeled "first class" at the Las Vegas airport will also accept elite members, the NJTransit sucks (even though I said it was awesome in a post on this site a year ago). SCREW YOU PAST SELF.

Enjoy.

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