Monday, March 28, 2011

Free spirits

Every once in a while you have to treat yourself, or, allow yourself to be treated. Aside from the questionable grammar and syntax of the previous sentence, nobody would disagree with me. Nobody with brains anyway. It is very simple, money=happiness. The more money you have, the more awesome crap you can buy and the better you are treated by everyone else. Not all human lives are equal. Stupid, poor orphan children shouldn't be allowed in first class cabins on airplanes, should they? No, of course not. Poor people don't deserve the same level of health care as rich people. Especially rich people who were born rich like the royal family or the Kardasians. If you can't afford a life-saving liver transplant, you don't deserve one.

Take myself for example, I deserve the finest things the world can offer. Such was my experience traveling home from Denver two weeks ago.

Arriving at the airport, I decided that I should top off the gas in my Mazda 6 rental car before I return it to avoid the $15623.23 a gallon Hertz charges. Hilariously, the gas pump wasn't printing receipts so I had to run inside to retrieve my proof of purchase, which I needed for my expense report. Thankfully, there was a very long line, so I didn't have to worry about boarding my flight on time. I returned to the car and sped off to Hertz.

Once at the airport, I was given a special opportunity to experience the lavish lifestyle of the Red Carpet club members. The red carpet club is the elite lounge for United, and its based on membership. So, I could join it for 40,000 miles. The reason I haven't is because, up until now, I thought that I would have to get a membership for my wife as well if we wanted to both enjoy the club. I WAS WRONG. My co-worker took me to the red carpet club and I was admitted no problem. In fact, anybody can bring along up to 2 companions per membership.

It was nice. Free beer, wine, and snack food. Nice comfortable seats with plugs. A quiet, clean environment with plenty of staff to help you. And the best part? No screaming poor people's kids, no riff raff, no orphans, no unlucky people whatsoever. This was for elite people only. People whose lives are LITERALLY more important than everyone else's. Ahhh it was glorious. I shall join the red carpet club... yes I shall.

And the topping on the cake? I was upgraded to first class for my flight from Denver to LaGuardia. I just sat there, in my plush seat, being served a full 3 course gourmet meal, watching awesome movies on my MacBook air, drinking vodka tonics, using the rest room, umm... and other things.

I'm not rich, not even close. But I do travel quite a bit, so it is nice to be treated like I'm owed something for it. After all, I've given United, Hertz, and the Hilton Hotel chain probably close to $50,000 last year, I do believe I deserve to be made more comfortable than those who travel once a year or less. Let's face it, flying in an airplane in economy class sucks. You hate it, I hate it, everyone hates it. Since I have to do it way more than you, don't you think its ok that I get upgraded often enough as to keep the stress and discomfort of being jammed in economy every week down? The correct answer is 'yes'.


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