Last week.. actually, two weeks ago... no... wait... umm... AT SOME POINT IN ULTRA-TIME™ I flew from LaGuardia to Denver on United. I've flown this leg no less than 45,000 times, and have become very familiar with the Au Bon Pain at LaGuardia.
LaGuardia is a piece of Garbage-Christ™ in terms of an airport, but it paradoxically is the best airport for me. Its so close to my house that I could practically walk there, whenever I go there is never anyone there, and it features probably my second most common flight (LGA to DEN), my first being JFK to LAX.
For reasons I cannot explain, LGA-DEN was a really popular flight that day. It was a Wednesday night, so I assumed the flight would be empty and I'd get an upgrade. INCREDI-FALSE™! Now you see, premiere executives like myself are always the first to board in the regular lane. The red carpet lane is for first class, 1K, and global services to board. They go first, then the regular lane goes. Normally, there are a handful of global services and 1K members, and then the 8 first class passengers... and usually the global services and 1k members make up most of the first class passengers. So I normally get to board very quickly since I always position myself at the front of the economy lane like a jackass.
But this flight was different. I have never... ever... EVER seen so many 1K and GS members. The red carpet lane was probably just as long as the economy lane, which meant that half the plane was elites who had higher status than I did. DAMMIT.
It took forever to board the plane because there was too much of a jam right at the start of boarding. When half the plane is that high level of elite, the rest of the plane is broken down into much smaller groups than normal, and the boarding process doesn't work as well.
I think the solution is; make me global services, and demote everyone else to 1k or below. I know how to get on and off a plane quickly, and boarding times will reduce significantly across the board.