Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Since the hotel we were going to stay at literally had an explosion that killed many people, we decided to move our reservation to the Riu Tequila in Playa Del Carma. When you first arrive at this location, you are struck by its sheer size. Sheer size is a transvestite hired by the hotel to strike customers... in the face.

At check in they provided you with some sort of juice drink to wash your worries away. They also give you a plastic card that you trade in at the pool for a towel. I really was impressed with the grounds. It was enormous. Trees and tropical vegetation everywhere. I was a little concerned when it took me 45 minutes to walk to my room, but I figured that I could use the exercise.

Once I got to the room, I was a little sadened to see that the rooms themselves didn't reflect the level of luxury the hotel liked to talk about on their website. The first thing I noticed was that the room was wet. The whole thing, including the air. It was just... damp in there.

Also, there were tile floors. I hate tile floors in a hotel room. If I wanted to wake up and place my bare feet on a cold, hard, uncaring surface everyday, I'd move to a jail.

One thing I did think was hilarious was the mini-bar situation. There were giant bottles of liquor just sitting in the bathroom, ready for abusing. Ahhhhh all-inclusive resorts have their benefits.

Or do they?

Yes. They do.

When I checked in I was informed that the only way to eat in any of the restaurants was to make a reservation at 7am. Let me repeat that so you know it wasn't a typo. Reservations for dinner were made ONLY at 7am. I rarely swear on this blog but... FUCK THAT. I am not getting up and stressing out just so I can make reservations at a crappy restaurant. And yes, they were crappy. The food was horrible. What happens in Cancun does not stay there. That idiom only works when you think you're going to get a venereal, not when they want you to keep secret the fact that their food sucks.

So imagine what its like to stumble back to your room after having a questionable dinner only to have to swim to your bed. The beds, by the way, aren't beds. They are ladders with sheets on them. Seriously, they just took a ladder, laid it down, and put some blankets on it. NICE.

After running the air conditioning all night, you'd think that the air would dehumidify. No. I woke up every morning in a puddle of my own glorious sweat. And the pool towel I hung in the bathroom two days earlier to dry off? Its now even more wet somehow.

Check out time finally came and I packed my damp clothing into my damp suitcase and walked, damply, to reception 90 miles away. Once I arrived there, I was informed by the desk clerk that I had to turn in my pool towel card. I said 'no'. I left the pool towel in the my room, there was no need for me to exchange it back for a generic plastic card that the hotel had thousands of. Literally, the hotel HAD the card, I traded in at the pool for a towel. Why must I go all the way back to my room and exchange it? I told this to the clerk, but he kept pushing. He wasn't exactly rude, but he also wasn't accommodating. I almost destroyed him with a high intensity kick to the head, but then I remembered that he has to live here. So I took pity.

So, I fought this man for a couple of minutes before finally giving up and taking the 45 hours to walk to the room, get the towel, walk to the pool, trade it in, and return to the desk. Well, at least I did so with disdain in my heart. HEARTSTAIN™. When I returned to the desk, I tossed the card at the Mexican behind the counter, gave him a wink that said "enjoy your crappy country" and left for America. AMERICA. I feel bad complaining about a free company trip to Cancun. But the truth is, I didn't really get to enjoy it all that much. I was in meetings all day and completely missed out on the beautiful beach. I think I spent a total of one hour in the pool, the rest of the time I was either working or eating/drinking. I just think its important you hear my review of this hotel. After all, that is the whole point of a travel blog, right?

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