Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I am a cow


A sharp elbow to the neck is all it takes to make someone get up and go away (also possibly die). Especially if you've got ultra-strength™ which is a new, better kind of strength that only I and a few others posses. It would seem that my newest friend, Continental, turns out to be a rose with many elbows.

Three weeks ago I was asked to fly to Atlanta at the last minute. Continental was the only airline in Star Alliance that flies from nyc to Atlanta. And since I had had good experiences on that airline before, I jumped at the chance to fly on it again... despite the $1099 price tag. Yes, you read that correctly, it was a $ (indicated that the following numbers represent currencies in United States American Ultra-Dollars™) followed by the number 1 (which was invented by a cave man who was lonely as hell) followed by a zero (which is a concept that is difficult to understand, and therefor was invented by Ionians in the year 2033 on the island of Hawaii) followed by 99 (which is the precise number of bottles of beer on the wall).

I had the middle seat, ON BOTH FLIGHTS. What the BAJEESUS?! Not only that, the seat in front of me was so close that it actually merged with my molecular structure. I thought I was Star Alliance Gold, I thought I had reserved a seat in Economy Plus or its equivalent... I thought... that... I was... you know... special? Nope, Continental reminded me that no good deed (spending hundreds of thousands of dollars with Star Alliance carriers) goes unpunished.

One interesting side note; in order to get to Atlanta from NYC, one has to fly out of Newark. Other than taking the train, there is no cost effective way to get to the airport. The cheapest cab rides are always about $100. When I arrived there, I asked to be dropped off at the Elite entrance. What I like about Continental is that they have something called Elite Access for Star Gold members, which puts you in the same boarding priority line as their highest tier elites and First and Business classes. United doesn't do that. Premier Executives in United must board in the blue carpet lane after 1k, GS, and First and Business board on the red carpet. But I digress. I was actually at the airport with my parents, who were flying in international business class on Continental. So, they had President's Club access. I snuck along with them. Man oh man, that President's Club at Newark is enormous. Its twice the size of the airport itself (which is theoretically impossible) and three times as nice. Showers, full bar area, lounge area, individual offices for use by passengers, the works. I'm very very tempted to get myself annual membership to the United equivalent, the Red Carpet Club (which provides you with free spirits and beverages). Tempted.

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