Friday, November 5, 2010

Maybe economy isn't so bad

Happy Friday. I'm in Los Angeles right now, sitting in my favorite aeroport. That's right, Bob Hope Not-International Airport. I was just violated by TSA and had every item in my bag searched and tested for dangerous religious chemicals. Apparently, a 6'6" Jew waltzing through security raises a few eyebrows. Especially since its readily apparently from just beholding my glorious physical form that I could destroy many many many humans if I so chose.

Actually, it probably came from the fact that I have screw drivers in my bag. Although that has never ever stopped me from getting through security, for some reason, at this very special airport, I was stopped. I had to check my bag, which is not such an issue since I am exempt from bag fees. But it is going to be annoying when United loses my bag. The TSA guard patted down every square inch of me... seriously. It was uncomfortable, but I imagine that it was far more uncomfortable for the TSA guy. I'm sure he loves feeling up men's crotches. I quietly enjoyed watching this little guys running around trying to find something and coming up with nothing. Poor guys scrambling around for nothing. But I did set off a chemical alarm, so I suppose it was justified. Although, I have no idea what chemical and why I had it in my bag! It was probably the rare compound Awesomejuice™ which I excrete on occasion.

Either way, none of this is the point I wanted to share with you today. The point is that on my flight here I learned something very interesting.

United's Premium Service flights are NOT eligible for the Unlimited Domestic upgrades program. I spent hours on the phone with United trying to understand why I had been upgraded in the past. They could not tell me. Talking to United representatives is like talking to hallucinated visions; they can't provide you any information you don't already know. Useless. It was actually a knowledgeable commenter on my post who informed me that my previous P.S. upgrades were operational, and not because of unlimited domestic upgrades.

Irritating. So I was not upgraded on my last flight. But you know what? It wasn't so bad. I sat down in my seat, busted out my incredibly powerful laptop, and watched three movies. Then, we landed. Somewhere in there I had a cup of coffee but that was it. I didn't really miss the incredible meals, the hot fudge sundaes, the wide seats that go back almost all the way... none of it. I took one for the team. And by team, I mean, myself. I saved the miles to use another day. Although, I did request a 15,000 mile upgrade on my flight home (you've got to ride home in style, that is the way of the land... stupid land), United couldn't confirm it so I may not get it anyway. Fine by me, I have three more movies loaded on my computational device so I should be ok.

I still prefer flying into Burbank over LAX. It took me 4 minutes from the moment I exiting my plane until I got into my rental car. At LAX, that trip (and this is not an exaggeration) usually takes me 1 and a half hours. There just isn't a comparison. Sure I have to connect through San Francisco. But I don't mind it at all. I like SFO (the Sushi is delicious), and plus, I get more elite qualifying segments and probably miles that way.

So no upgrades for me this time... but the good news? I will DEFINITELY make Premier Executive before the year is out. So I will have even more intriguing stories in the future, so stay tuned.


  1. Just as a general comment not related to this specific collection of words you have written here: bicycles DO make sense, ya 'tard!

  2. can you write something about packing? how about disposable underwear?