Saturday, November 20, 2010

Aren't Cadillac's supposed to be good cars?


I am a billionaire, so I actually own lots of incredible cars, and I drive them frequently on specially designed roads that only I may drive on, which are paved with a unique compound composed of 2 parts platinum, one part gold, and one part of an element that hasn't yet been discovered by anyone except my scientists in my superlab on the moon.

Needless to say, I'm a sucker for driving nice cars. So when the Hertz representative at the rental counter in SLC said that for only $40 I could upgrade my midsized sedan to a Cadillac DTS, I jumped at the chance. Since I had such a good experience in Burbank with the Camaro SS that I rented, I figured that I was in for an additional treat.

I was wrong.

The Cadillac I rented, at first, appeared very nice. Black exterior, leather interior, XM radio, voice command handsfree phone calling, a steering wheel... but the good aspects stopped there. The car was the longest motorized vehicle I had ever seen. It handled like a cruise ship. When I made a U-turn, the car required 4 lanes to cross over! 4! The car also insisted on warning me when I started to swerve into another lane. It had sensors that detected the white lines indicating the lane you were driving in, and if you started to veer over one without putting your blinker on (which would indicate that you are intentionally crossing the white line) the car would beep at you and flash a strange symbol which I could only guess was the Chinese character for "you're gonna die". There was also another symbol that would appear on the side mirrors if there was a car in your blind spot on either side. I spent more time staring at the symbol while I was driving trying to figure out what it was then paying attention to notcrashing™. The engine had the pickup of a dump truck trying to haul 300 cubic yards of dark matter. The computer that was supposed to recognize my voice couldn't tell the difference between "call Tim O'Neill" and "dial 347". PIECE OF GARBAGE. I almost crashed, like, 12 times.

I wasn't too sad to return it. The car would probably be great at driving people around in in the back, if you plan on going slow, but other than that... fail.

Do not enjoy.

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