Monday, September 6, 2010


Greetings fellow travelers. I have many stories to tell you. All involving me punching orphans in the liver.

This weekend, I attended an event on Governors Island entitled "Parked". Billed as a food truck festival where the best food trucks in New York City come to serve food to people on Governors Island.

Ok... looks cool, right? I'm thinking there will be a lot of food trucks, some beer, some live music or something... it'll be fun.


We arrive at the Governors Island ferry terminal to find the longest line for the ferry recorded in history. The end of the line was at my house in Queens.

Once we finally got to the island, we walked the short distance to the shit storm that was this event. There were thousand upon thousands of people surrounding like.. three food trucks. The lines were stationary. They were not moving. I was FURIOUS. I made the mistake of going there hungry. Never ever do this. The lines were hours long. I was so angry I almost turned around and went back to Manhattan. It was either that or start eating humans, specifically the ones in front of me in line. I waited in line for the Hermalinda Mexican food.... tent (it was the only one that wasn't a truck and the one with the shortest line). I waited in line for about 30 minutes as my wife left to go wait in line at another location so we could snack while waiting in line... and to stop me from eating humans. DELICIOUS HUMANS.

So then the worst thing ever happened. The Hermalinda tent ran out of food. Pathetic, sad, stupid, Retardo Montalban. So, my friends and I regrouped since they were in other lines that weren't moving. We decided to hit up the Beach Taxi cafe near where the ferry came in.

We ran there as I think most people were getting wise to the fact that this Parked event was one of the worst organized events in history since the handling of hurricane Katrina. We got to the cafe which sported ample seating room, and a short line... or so we thought.

I was in line for over an hour. IT WAS INSANE. These cafe people were not equipped to handle more than one order at a time. Fights broke out in line as people were cutting and receiving food before they should've. People were yelling at the staff, the staff were handing out beach balls instead of plates, cats were chasing dogs... EXTREME INSANITY or EXTREMO-CRAZY™.

We FINALLY got our food... it was horrible. But seeing as how 2324 hours had passed, we decided to take a bike ride.

This.... was actually a lot of fun. The bikes weren't half bad, the ride was beautiful, there were some excellent views of art, the status of liberty, the water, and the over-crowded human cage pen known as Manhattan.

After many hours of frolicking on our bikes and managing to only get into a few minor accidents, it was time to leave. We returned our bikes, and met in line for the return ferry. There were no less than 1,000,000 people in line for the ferry back to Manhattan. I have never seen such a line. I wish there were some kind of free-ferry elite program... and that I was instantly in their highest tier. Why? Because I'm tall and awesome.... TAWESOME™! Even though there was no special boarding line for us, we still managed to make it back. It was 6pm at this point, and I was exhausted. Too exhausted to resume orphan-punching until the following morning.

In conclusion:
1) Never attend Parked
2) Only go to Governors Island if you are positive no one is going to be there
3) Punch orphans frequently.



  1. Yes, this event was poorly planned and even more poorly executed. Fortunately it was a beautiful day so I found myself unable to be too miserable. Just miserable enough.

  2. OMG...what a nightmare!! Burnt body, no food, crankiness...and like only 8 trucks to choose from. There were 40 people waiting for a hot dog cart with nobody working the cart!!! VOICES IN MY HEAD at this point! I could've stayed on the mainland and actually ate SOME FOOD!!! Instead we had ice cream and water.

  3. I totally agree with your post here. This event was such a horrible experience! I can't believe they had about 8 trucks there to try to serve hundreds of people. We waited about an hour on line in Brooklyn to get on the ferry! We gave up on trying to get food because lines were long and food was running out. This was about 2pm or 3pm. The wait was also really long to get on the ferry to go back. It was a nightmare and the hunger only made it a bazillion times worse! Worst organized event I've ever been to and I will never go to it again.

  4. I agree... totally awful. Once we found food, we avoided it and enjoyed the rest of the island.