Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Elite Rewards

So here is something interesting that happened to me yesterday; I dug out a GLORIOUS booger from my extremely amazing nose and flicked it across the great expanse of my mansion. While I was watching my many servants clean up my gift upon the world, I received an e-mail that stated:

You've reached 35,000 Elite Qualifying Miles (EQM) or 40 Elite Qualifying Segments (EQS) in 2010. That's your first milestone, so it's time to choose your reward! Your selection must be completed by 10/06/2010.
Your choice of rewards :
  • $50 in Restaurant.com certificates
  • 3,500 redeemable miles
  • 3,500 redeemable miles for friend or family member
  • 15 chances to win our Elite Suite Sweepstakes

Is't that glorious? It is... right? I dunno. It seems things get better all the time. I had to choose one of those rewards. The choice was difficult. $50 in questionable certificates to a handful of nameless restaurants. The website swears that there are over 12,000 participating restaurants in the United States. But they are all probably in Hawaii. Stupid Hawaii... all beautiful and excellent or BEAUTI-CELLENT™.

3500 redeemable miles for ME is better than 3500 for OTHERS. But, 3500 is really not that much. It takes at least 30,000 to buy a boring ass round trip ticket to an idiot town.... it is usually 50,000 to go anywhere interesting. Upgrades, in the past, have cost 15,000. So, I went with the sweepstakes. I never win sweepstakes, mopstakes, or any other kind of stakes, but the prize was very tempting. Check it out:

How would you like to travel as a member of the invitation-only Global ServicesSM program, with access to worldwide recognition, V.I.P. privileges and dedicated concierge services? This could be your chance to guarantee your elite travel experience in 2011 with Global Services membership – one for you, and one for a Mileage Plus® member of your choosing. Enjoy exclusive travel perks with 250,000 redeemable miles, upgrade opportunities, lounge access around the globe and two (2) sets of Bose® QuietComfort® 15 Acoustic Noise Cancelling® headphones. Plus, you can nominate four (4) friends to elite status to share the experience with you.

Doesn't that sound nice? What four friends would I pick? Probably, me, my awesome left leg that I use for kicking, my computer, and a picture of my wife.

So, what is elite choice anyway? Well, its a program where you get to pick your 'reward' for reaching certain milestones. The milestones are:

1) 35,000 EQM or 40 EQS
2) 75,000 EQM or 85 EQS
3) 125,000 EQM or 125 EQS
4) 225,000 EQM or 225 EQS
5) 100 orphans slayeth'd in the name of having parents

So, now you are probably wondering what Global Services is? Well... I've been wondering that for a long time as well since they let those assholes board BEFORE 1k members!

Global Service is a sort of a secret organization for United's top flyers. I've done some research and apparently it is very difficult to attain. It is not technically a milage plus program or elite status. It is an invitation only club. The word on the internetstreet is that it is revenue based. Only the top 1% of spenders with United get invited. The information is not published so its all very secret and sketchy... or SECRETCHY™.

I do know that they board BEFORE 1k members, no matter what cabin they are ticketed for. I know that they have a special telephone number and United.com website, just for them, much like the 1K members do. I have also heard rumors that they have access to most international First Class lounges regardless of ticketed cabin, and some kind of concierge service which probably involves a small Indonesian man escorting you to your gate, since you are incapable of doing so on your own.

I don't expect to be invited any time soon, but if I am, I'll spill all the secret beans... SECRET BEANS about it to you. In the meantime, let us all hope I win that sweepstakes!



  1. i am trying to post a comment about how awesome this post is.