Monday, September 13, 2010

Back to the old days

When I was an old man growing up in the 1490's, I used to build and fly airplanes to and from medieval England for the purpose of marketing my own brand of cologne called "GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH™".

I have to say, I miss them there days of yore. It has been literally hundreds of years since I sat in an airport and awaited a flight in a stress-free manner because of the lack of modern day Starbucks-fueld hustle and bustle.

Well, I am sitting here at Bob Hope Burbank Airport in California, awaiting my flight to SFO... which is delayed by 2 hours, and you know what? I don't really care. Why? Because this airport is somehow, magically, stress-free. I don't have that usual burning desire to execute a perfect flying sidekick into every fat asshole I see coughing and sneezing all over the place spreading their inferior DNA. I don't know what it is. This airport is just damned old school, and in a good way. There are no fancy monitors, no fancy restaurants nor futuristic escalators, no corporate art no... ummm..... something.... things, concepts, ideas.... DAMMIT.... stupid gate agent made an announcement about my flight over the PA as I was typing that excellent sentence about the lack of stress associated with this airport and I WAS ULTRA-DISTRACTED™! Turns out my flight has been delayed one hour, instead of two... not so bad I say. Especially since I have a confirmed First Class upgrade ticket on this 45 minute flight. United informed me the upgrade was confirmed when I checked in online yesterday (and hopefully, my fight tomorrow to JFK from SFO is upgraded to a cabin past Business and First Class... to like... the cockpit, or something).

This airport is just a damn better alternative to LAX. There is nobody here! Its empty! The best part of it all? The Hertz rental.

Recall with a warm, nostalgic feeling my post about my experiences with the Hertz rental facility at LAX. Are you recalling it? ARE YOU!?!???! Good. Now, with that horrible shitsperience™ fresh in your brains, listen to my experience renting a car at this Hertz here at the Burbank Airport.

I descend off of my flight onto some stairs. I walk into the terminal building and make an immediate right. Four, maybe five seconds later I am standing in front of a Hertz representative talking about my rental. It took minutes, as opposed to hours to get from my seat in the aeroplane to the seat in my car.

The Hertz agent then asked me if I would like a 5% discount instead of a 4% discount. I said "NO

...... wait


How odd is that? They just... gave me more discounts. AND, I FINALLY GOT TO DRIVE A HYBRID. Yes dear readers, it has finally occurred. I promised you a review of the motorized sensation that has taken California by electrical storm. Well, it was pretty damn cool.

The car is futuristic. You don't have a key, you just walk up to the car and it unlocks. It senses a transponder that you keep in your pocket and subsequently forget everywhere you go. When I first got into the car, I couldn't figure out how to turn it on. After about 10 seconds of ULTRA-THINKING™ I realized that the car was already on. Awesome! So then it was time to put the car into gear and drive to my hotel. I had two options for going forward... 'D' which I assumed stood for DESTROY THE ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU, and another gear that simply used the letter 'B' to describe what it did. "But Aaron", you say in a raspy and poor sounding voice "B clearly stands for backwards".


There was a reverse gear indicated by the number 'Ω'... I mean 'R'. No, 'B', means engine breaking. It will tell your engine to throw down a dope break-beat and dance like it was 1982.

So I threw it into D and drove silently down the road until the gas engine kicked in at higher speeds. There was a very colorful and informative graphic on the slim-lined futuristic dashboard reporting live power and charging information about the vehicle as you are driving. This graphic was so compelling that I almost crashed about π number of times. Aside from that, the car had neither bells nor whistles. Just a FM/AM radio, a CD player and some air conditioning. But I still enjoyed it. The car was definitely zippy. Its 0-45 felt pretty damn good, its 45-100 was suffering, probably from a lack of a V6 or higher. But still... it was a zippy little car that got something like 50mpg. The only other item the car had was a button labeled EV. This button forced the car to only use its electric motor. The problem was, every time I pressed it, the car had some excuse as to why it couldn't go into that mode. I saw messages saying "EV mode not available at this time" or "Cannot enter EV mode due to excessive speed" (I was going, like... 30) or "Cannot enter EV mode due to excessive acceleration" or "Cannot enter EV mode due to incongruous quark spins on an egotistical atom located near Alpha Centauri". That last one made ULTRA-SENSE™.

I drove all over Los Angeles county and only spent $11.60 worth of California gas. I mean, the thing charges it battery by using the electro-kenetic energy generated from the friction of breaking for TUBE'S sakes! Pretty cool.

So, I would have to say that my experience renting a car from the Hertz facility at Burbank differed drastically from my experience doing so at LAX. I may never fly into LAX again because Burbank is just such a better option.

Have you been to the Burbank airport? What is your opinion of this airport?


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