Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Shittalking Mushrooms

I am not entirely sure why this blog post is entitled that. It was the first UlTRA-RANDOM™ thing that came to my head. It is damn hard coming up with blog titles that are punchy, kicky, and catchy. This blog post is about my flight back from LAX to JFK. Should I have named the blog LAX to JFK? No. What about FLIGHT or BLUE EYE or TELEPHONE or DELICIOUS CARS. No. None of those make sense.

A couple of posts ago I told you about my experience being upgraded on my flight from JFK to LAX. It was nice, but it definitely felt like a once in a while thing. The gate guardian told me that it was because the flight was full. I secretly knew it was because I am awesome. Either way, I didn't expect to walk down the red carpet again for a while.

Well, I was EXCEPTIONALLY INCORRECT or EXCEPTO-WRONG™. I was upgraded AGAIN! Check out the television:

It was magic. There were 4 people waiting to be upgraded and 4 people on the upgrade list. That excellent combination of letters represents me in slot number 2. Here is what I think happened:

1) Jesus phoned Obama and told him that I was waiting at the airport
2) Obama dispatched invisible ninjas to eliminate several passengers from existence
3) The ninjas used their powers to make everyone forget that they had purchased tickets
4) Stephen Hawking came up and declared all of this to be ULTRA-TRUE™


Remember in my previous post that I was completely convinced I would not be upgraded because of the fact that there were only a couple of seats left on the flight when I booked? Well, here is what I think happened: The flights that go direct to LAX from JFK are operated by what United calls Premium Service. The airplane is a United Airlines Boeing 757-200 p.s. (757). The business class section is huge. First class has 12 seats, business has 26 seats, and economy plus (there is no economy) has 72. There were, on both flights, a lot of "people" awaiting standby for seats in economy plus. First class, I imagine, was not completely booked, seeing as it would be cheaper to go to helicopter school and actually become a helicopter, yeah thats right, TRANSMORPHFIGURATE™ into a helicopter and fly away. Since first class was empty, they bumped those uppity wealthy business men into first class, and that opened up business class seats, which they then bumped the poor businessmen (such as myself) into business, and that opened up seats in economy plus for the standby passengers.

You see, it all works like an incredibly poorly oiled machine... like a Windows computer. Well, reasons aside, I can tell you that riding in business class was a pleasure. Or was it? Yes, it was.

I sat down in a window seat. The only problem with it was this strange smudge on the window:

Probably poop. There was also an incedent before take off where some lady was promised a seat in business class but refused to sit near the window. I guess it freaked her out or something, despite the fact that people who sit in the aisles are killed more frequently... by me. So the flight attendant asked me if I would be willing to move, I said yes. Guess where they moved me? The same goddamned exit seat I had on the way there. I say goddamned because it was glorious with only one draw back. You see, on the flight to Los Angeles, the power plug didn't work. So my laptop died after a few hours of use. Well... this was the same tubemaking plane. The very same one. I got the same seat, with the same broken as hell plug. GREAT.

So, this time, when the business class cabin was offered a portable medial player with movies and television pre-recorded onto it, I accepted. I watched Shrek, then the battery died on the media player (since I couldn't plug it in). The flight attendants were very helpful. They understood that my plug was broken and were pretty quick to get me a replacement device every time the battery on it died, which was twice. As I've said, they just treat you better in business class. Had I been in the back of the plane, I'm sure I would have been asked to leave the airplane at 35 thousand feet if I asked for some assistance with a problem regarding my seat electronics.

So it is looking good folks. I've gotten several upgrades this year, and there is still 4 more months of traveling left. I'd say United has been almost worth it. Here are some other pictures I took for you all to enjoy. ENJOY I IMPLORE OF YOU.

The red carpet lane
The lunch menu
The presentation.


  1. "There were, on both flights, a lot of "people" awaiting standby for seats in economy plus."

    You received an OPERATIONAL upgrade. They had too many people in coach and empty premium seats so they gave you a free upgrade in order to get the most # of people out on the plane.

    They did it for operational reasons, not as part of the 'unlimited domestic upgrade' program which doesn't apply to the p.s. routes JFK-SFO/LAX.

  2. Yes... but.. but.. why was I on the upgrade standby list on the monitors? Same reason? If so... that makes a lot of sense.