Sunday, August 8, 2010

A ghost at the Hampton Inn

A couple of weeks ago I took my wife on a business trip to Colorado. As I mentioned in an earlier post, she got to sit next to me. Fortunately I was not upgraded.... you will probably never ever ever hear me utter that phrase again. (Actually, technically you didn't hear me utter anything, you see, you're reading this on the INTERCYBERNETWEB™ via COMPLEX PROPERTIES BEYOND UNDERSTANDING. There is no auditory aspect to the passing of precious informatics in this blog post). If I had been upgraded (which I was 12 billionth in line for) I would have left my wife in Economy Plus. Which is for the feint of heart... seriously.... people with heart-feinting issues are comfortable in economy plus DUE TO COMPLEX PROPERTIES BEYOND UNDERSTANDING.
The flight went well. I think I played Plants Vs. Zombies the whole way. DAMN thats a good game. Once we arrived, I was very excited to find out that the Hybrid car I had reserved was not the car I received. I asked the incredibly hyper-intelligent super brain that worked behind the counter at Hertz why I didn't get the car I reserved and she said that they didn't have any left. I explained to her that the properties behind the basic social concept of RESERVATIONS is that one can reasonably expect that the thing he or she reserved will be... well... reserved. She proceeded to explain that due to COMPLEX PROPERTIES BEYOND UNDERSTANDING, Hertz only pretends to reserve cars for you. Really, all they do is accept money in exchange for a picture of a car that isn't what you end up driving away. EXCELLA-GREAT™.
Whatever. A shitty car is a shitty car is a shitty car. We arrived at the Hampton Inn, Louisville to a room that smelled like a ghost. To be more specific; a ghost that smokes one cigarette per minute. I promptly complained to the 13 year old behind the front desk and he was kind enough to outfit us with a new room.

We arrived in the new room to discover...... well......... you know how a normal desk has four legs that are NOT broken? Our desk had only three NOT broken legs..... and one BROKEN AS HELL leg.
Whatever. A shitty desk is a shitty desk is a shitty desk. Or is it?........ yes.... research shows that it is.

After three days, it was time to return home. I drove my car back to Hertz. We got out of the vehicle and proceeded to head to the shuttle to take us to our terminal when the attendant stopped us and asked us if we would like a ride to the airport. I was confused. I was pretty sure the bus that was directly in front of me that said "I am a bus that goes to the airport" on it was indeed a ride to the airport and not a ride to the local five and dime. MORE LIKE DISTANT SIX AND QUARTER. Get it?
However, it turns out that we were being offered a ride, to our gate, in the car we just rented. No charge. It was VERY strange. But, a nice man in a bright yellow vest hopped into the driver's seat and drove my wife and I to the gate! It was kind of awesome. Especially when he told us that the Denver International Airport was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. 'That is a good idea' I thought. It really goes well withthe giant, mysterious horse/ghost/murderer statue with red glowing eyes that guards the entrance to the airport. You probably thought that the murderer label was unfair. How can a horse statue be a murderer? Well, according to the nice man driving us to the airport, the sculptor who was building the statue was killed in the process of building it.Apparently, FOR COMPLEX PROPERTIES BEYOND UNDERSTANDING (such as gravity and fear), the head fell off and killed the sculptor as he was putting his finishing touches on the general evilness of the statue. Oh.. and it was painted blue for some reason.






We arrived home safe and sound, OR DID WE? As soon as I got to my apartment, a giant floating horse head ghost attacked us. But I used Tae Kwon Do and a vacuum cleaner to defeat the INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS NOT-FAKE GHOST of the Hampton Inn. Why was it the ghost of the Hampton Inn? BECAUSE IT WAS. Or was it? YES IT WAS.

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