Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Computer cowboy

I'm not very good at telling stories. Here is a story I wrote the other day:

This fucking guy went to the store and PURCHASED ITEMS. The end.


See? So you'll have to excuse me if my prose isn't up to snuff (don't do drugs kids). But I'd like to share with you my travel experiences to Waco, Texas.

Like I said in the previous post, there were no direct flights by United from NYC. So I took a connecting flight just so I could have a shot at First Class. Unfortunately, as you can see from the photo, I was not the only incredibly hansom man who had the same amazing thought.




Ok, so you can't read the text. I forgot about the existence of depth for a moment. So what, everyone does it. Why do you think fat people are so fat? Because they forgot about the third dimension in space.

I was number 6 in line. There was one open First Class seat. Some......tubemaker got it. In fact, I didn't get upgraded on any of the flights. Oddly enough, the short flight from Chicago to Waco was actually conducted on a small ERJ-170. As you all know, ERJ-170s are tiny airplanes. Here is a hilarious picture of me when I got wedged in the tiny bathroom and couldn't get out.


Yet, it still had first class AND economy plus seating! Kind of incredible, kind of stupid. The first class seats were more like economy plus with one Angstrom of additional space. PRECIOUS ANGSTROM.

So, it was a bummer. Jammed in Economy Plus, sipping on some diet coke, watching movies on my crappy Dell portable computational device.

I then arrived at Dallas Fort Worth and had an hour and a half drive through midland Texas to look forward to.

I got to Hertz, after riding an airport shuttle for 3 months, and picked up my car. I reserved a hybrid, they instead gave me a bicycle. Seriously, it was one of the shittiest cars I've ever rented.

I recall heaving a heavy yet glorious sigh and throwing my garbage into the car and setting sail for the open seas... and by seas I mean roads.

I pulled out my handy idiot-car-port to excellent-AC-port power adapter to find that it was broken. BROKEN I TELL YOU. So my GPs would not charge. Although I do posses a vast amount of knowledge, I hadn't yet memorized all of the roads that crisscross the great state of Texas. So, I had to enter AWESOMEMODE™. Awesomemode™ is a state of hyper-awareness and excellent decision making......ness that only I can enter. I used the little juice I had left in my GPS and found me a radio shack. Yeah, I didn't capitalize it because I am not talking about the chain electronics store, I actually found a straw shack that contained one radio.

INCREDI-FALSE™

I purchased a new adapter at Radioshit and was on my way.

I got to the Hilton Waco after driving for several hours through fields of glory to find that I had actually reserved myself a fancy room on the executive level. You see, I am only VIP Silver with Hilton. I should be Gold, but they never counted my 10 night stay at the Las Vegas Hilton because, for some reason, they use a different computer system than the rest of Hilton. I argued and threatened the nice folks at Hilton Honors about it for months. It ain't happening.

I digress. The executive level at the Hilton can be achieved by either reserving a room there for more money, or by being upgraded there because of your VIP Gold status. I felt especially Gold when I made the reservations apparently (I had forgotten that I did this) and was pleasantly surprised to be reminded that I would be on the 11th floor.

What a nice room, look where it was located:


Corner room, nice niceties, excellent excellenties, and an HD TV. Waco was turning out to be pretty cool.

Following the point that I determined Waco was turning out to be pretty cool, came the rest of the trip. Waco WAS pretty cool. Did you know that the whole cult massacre thing actually happened in another town about 15 miles away, and that the press who were there covering the story at the time were all staying in Waco, so they're bylines stated the wrong city?

The place is nice. Nice restaurants, nice people, and nice executive level floors in hotels.

The executive level always comes with an executive lounge, which is like a regular lounge except that it has a high level of executivness. There was an honor bar, which I dishonored, and a television playing the latest basketball game. Pleasant indeed.

After I was done with my work, I drove back to Dallas, flew home in economy plus the whole way, and then decided that I had a nice trip.

What is the lesson I learned? NEWARK sucks. Not only does it take a long time to get there from New York City, but its a shitty airport.

Food options: poor
Gate lounges: mediocre
Carpet: drab
Prostitutes: ugly
Time on tarmac: way too damn long

Avoid it if you can folks.

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